Memory of My Grandma

No word can describe my feelings right now. I lost my grandma yesterday which also happened to be my birthday. I have no more grandparent left. My heart is in chaos. Though I didn’t live with her for the past 12 years, I have always loved her.

I remember back when I was still in middle school, I defended her out of my love for her. I couldn’t see her suffer. In fact, it was a simple problem. She lived with my aunt and uncle. She used to rotate her time between her four children. It is not hard to do since her first (my Mom) and last children (my Uncle) live in one place and the other two live in another place.

As with Chinese tradition, she only lived in her son’s house. So she would divide her day between her son and daughter. In the morning she would be in her son’s place and in the afternoon she would be in her daughter’s house. She would return to her son’s house in the evening. Then every month or once every two months, she would travel to the other town and did the same rotation there.

She was very happy back then. I believed those days were the happiest moment in her life. However, there were those days when I saw her coming to our house very late and seemed very exhausted. Day by day the same thing happened. One day I just couldn’t see it continue and I told my cousin (oldest daughter of my uncle) to help her out. Apparently she had to cook and washed the dishes because my aunt couldn’t find a housemaid. I thought it was a simple request though I appeared frustrated while talking to her. However, it turned out to be a big problem. My aunt hated me for that and talked badly about me to everyone. I was shocked looking at her childish behavior. The thing that I couldn’t stand was that she scolded my grandma too.

My grandma asked me not to say anything like that in the future because she wanted to keep the peace. Of course as a teenager. I didn’t give too much thought on this. For some time, I disliked my aunt. Later, I realized that she was too stressed out with all the responsibilities that she had and she couldn’t control her emotions. Perhaps I was really naive to understand that….

After some time, peace seems to come back. My grandma was happy again. Looking back, I should have realized that she liked to cook. Most likely she offered to cook. Sometimes I regretted this incident. I robbed her peace away. I could see that she understood my actions, but I made her go through terrible times.

She liked to talk a lot. She would talk and talk and talk even though I was in the middle of reading something. I found it distracting sometimes so I was happy when I found a way to make her quiet. She loved chocolates. My oldest sister always brought chocolates home from US. I would give her this chocolate daily. She would be quiet for 30min, enough time for me to read. Of course, you could say I was naughty, but hey, I was just a teenager at that time.

Time passed by, I moved to pursue high school in other places. Sometimes I got to see her when I came home. I cherished the moments that I shared with her. She always laughed at whatever I did. No matter what I did, she loved me. She didn’t scold me. She even defended me from my mom. Sometimes I made fun of her, but she still smiled.

Finally, I moved to US to pursue a college degree. I couldn’t go home because of the economy condition. She fell while she was cooking in my Uncle’s house. Because of this incident, she couldn’t walk anymore. She was confined in a wheelchair. I was really sad at that time because I knew that she liked to visit her children. Now, she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t cook anymore.

When I finally had the money to go home, I went to visit her. It made me cry looking at her. She became skinnier and she was lonely. No one talked to her on a daily basis. She asked me to visit her daily. I was only home for two weeks. I won’t be able to do anything more than that. The room that she lived in was awful. I would never imagine that she would live in a room like that ever. There was nothing that I could do for her except keeping her company.

Years went by. I went home again. This time she couldn’t see things clearly anymore. She used her hands to touch my face. It was painful to watch it. I couldn’t visit her anymore. I didn’t tell her how long I would be in town since she begged me to stay. I was only there for a week. I already started working so I didn’t have too much time off.

The next year, I brought my fiance home with me. We both visited her and gave her massages. This time, she started forgetting things. I had to tell her many times who I was and what time it was. I never thought that this would be my last visit. She was even skinnier than before. She appeared to be very healthy despite the eyes and forgetfulness.

When I got the news that she passed away, I was broken hearted. She died alone without anyone knowing. How lonely she must have been at that time. I really wanted to see her for the last time. However, my visa status prevented me from doing so…

Rest in peace, grandma. You are in a better place now. I hope you can smile now. I am sorry I couldn’t do anything for you…