I remember back when I was still in middle school, I defended her out of my love for her. I couldn’t see her suffer. In fact, it was a simple problem. She lived with my aunt and uncle. She used to rotate her time between her four children. It is not hard to do since her first (my Mom) and last children (my Uncle) live in one place and the other two live in another place.

As with Chinese tradition, she only lived in her son’s house. So she would divide her day between her son and daughter. In the morning she would be in her son’s place and in the afternoon she would be in her daughter’s house. She would return to her son’s house in the evening. Then every month or once every two months, she would travel to the other town and did the same rotation there.

She was very happy back then. I believed those days were the happiest moment in her life. However, there were those days when I saw her coming to our house very late and seemed very exhausted. Day by day the same thing happened. One day I just couldn’t see it continue and I told my cousin (oldest daughter of my uncle) to help her out. Apparently she had to cook and washed the dishes because my aunt couldn’t find a housemaid. I thought it was a simple request though I appeared frustrated while talking to her. However, it turned out to be a big problem. My aunt hated me for that and talked badly about me to everyone. I was shocked looking at her childish behavior. The thing that I couldn’t stand was that she scolded my grandma too.

My grandma asked me not to say anything like that in the future because she wanted to keep the peace. Of course as a teenager. I didn’t give too much thought on this. For some time, I disliked my aunt. Later, I realized that she was too stressed out with all the responsibilities that she had and she couldn’t control her emotions. Perhaps I was really naive to understand that….

After some time, peace seems to come back. My grandma was happy again. Looking back, I should have realized that she liked to cook. Most likely she offered to cook. Sometimes I regretted this incident. I robbed her peace away. I could see that she understood my actions, but I made her go through terrible times.

She liked to talk a lot. She would talk and talk and talk even though I was in the middle of reading something. I found it distracting sometimes so I was happy when I found a way to make her quiet. She loved chocolates. My oldest sister always brought chocolates home from US. I would give her this chocolate daily. She would be quiet for 30min, enough time for me to read. Of course, you could say I was naughty, but hey, I was just a teenager at that time.

Time passed by, I moved to pursue high school in other places. Sometimes I got to see her when I came home. I cherished the moments that I shared with her. She always laughed at whatever I did. No matter what I did, she loved me. She didn’t scold me. She even defended me from my mom. Sometimes I made fun of her, but she still smiled.

Finally, I moved to US to pursue a college degree. I couldn’t go home because of the economy condition. She fell while she was cooking in my Uncle’s house. Because of this incident, she couldn’t walk anymore. She was confined in a wheelchair. I was really sad at that time because I knew that she liked to visit her children. Now, she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t cook anymore.

When I finally had the money to go home, I went to visit her. It made me cry looking at her. She became skinnier and she was lonely. No one talked to her on a daily basis. She asked me to visit her daily. I was only home for two weeks. I won’t be able to do anything more than that. The room that she lived in was awful. I would never imagine that she would live in a room like that ever. There was nothing that I could do for her except keeping her company.

Years went by. I went home again. This time she couldn’t see things clearly anymore. She used her hands to touch my face. It was painful to watch it. I couldn’t visit her anymore. I didn’t tell her how long I would be in town since she begged me to stay. I was only there for a week. I already started working so I didn’t have too much time off.

The next year, I brought my fiance home with me. We both visited her and gave her massages. This time, she started forgetting things. I had to tell her many times who I was and what time it was. I never thought that this would be my last visit. She was even skinnier than before. She appeared to be very healthy despite the eyes and forgetfulness.

When I got the news that she passed away, I was broken hearted. She died alone without anyone knowing. How lonely she must have been at that time. I really wanted to see her for the last time. However, my visa status prevented me from doing so…

Rest in peace, grandma. You are in a better place now. I hope you can smile now. I am sorry I couldn’t do anything for you…

You talk, I listen

We talk, no one listen

Tomorrow, I talk again

You talk again

Next day still no action

It’s purely talk

I have no confidence in sending packages to my parents. Most of the time, the packages were lost. It has been a public knowledge back in my state (Riau) that any packages coming from the US will be opened by the local service provider in the capital city of the state (Pekan Baru). If the people who work in the office like the content of the packages, they will keep the packages.

I have tested the service multiple times in the past. None had passed the test. I was very skeptical in sending another package. However, I felt such a strong urgency to celebrate the Mother’s day with my mom. Initially I was thinking of sending a card since this always got delivered though normally it took one month to get there. I was very busy one month prior to the day that I forgot to buy the card and sent it.

I had only three weeks left at that time. I was very sad. My husband told me that I could try to send flowers to her. I searched for the best flower with a reasonable price. I finally found one website based in Singapore. The customer rep emailed me asking for extra shipping cost due to the remote location. The company didn’t have a partner in the town. They had to ask the partner in Pekan Baru to deliver it to my hometown.

Riau normally has high temperature throughout the year. The distance between Dumai and Pekan Baru is 3-4 hours away. They needed to do a special care to make sure the flowers didn’t wither away along the route. I thought of canceling the whole thing and just called her up on the day. Fortunately, I didn’t do that. I expressed my skepticism with the customer rep. He assured me it would be delivered on time and I did not need to worry.

Since I was busy with work and ministry, I completely forgot about this. On the day it was delivered, I was feeling sick so I went to bed earlier. Just as I entered the sleep stage, my mom called. The flowers were delivered on time and in a very good condition.

She was very touched and full of joy. I have never done this before. I was raised not to express such feelings. Therefore, I never even thought of doing it. Ever since I got married, I realized that I needed to express my feelings. Hearing her joyful voice really warmed my heart. She has been longing to have her children expressing love to her. I am glad that I can show her how much I love and appreciate her.

Indeed, I felt relaxed and sleepy during the surgery. The surgery itself was 1.5 hours. It was longer than my previous one, but the experience was totally opposite. I took vicodin only a couple times right after the surgery. I didn’t feel like I needed them because there was no pain at all. In fact, I was able to eat like regular the next day. Of course I still had stitches in my mouth, but hey, it wasn’t that bad! At least this time I didn’t have to starve for three days

Everything seemed to be smooth until it hit the sixth day. At 10:30pm I suddenly felt blood was flowing in my mouth. I was scared and a little bit panic. The rest of the night was filled with episodes after episodes, anxiety, and panic as the blood didn’t clog as fast as it should. Finally I was able to sleep around 4am with no more episode. My poor husband had to suffer with me that night

We woke up around 7:30am thinking I had to call into a meeting. Things seemed to be looking good. I thought I could work like normal even though I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep. Little did I know that 15min later I would have another incident. My plan to work like normal was busted. I couldn’t talk since it might trigger another incident. My loving husband got me an emergency appointment with the surgeon office (Thanks hon!!)

I was devastated when the surgeon told me he couldn’t do anything since the hole was too small for a stitch. FYI, this is not my doctor since he was practicing in another place that day. I left the office feeling betrayed for he underestimated the anxiety that I had. Though I could understand that he couldn’t do anything, I would feel better had he believed my story rather than brushed it off like it never happened.

To cut the story short, I was fine but was afraid to talk and eat for the next couple of days. Ever since then, I had a regular follow up once every few weeks. The surgery heals really nice considering I don’t have enough bones just last year. I am excited and looking forward to doing the crown in the next couple of months.

Just to give a little background. Just early this year, I was given a new challenge at work. I was asked to coordinate works for the international zone. I was thrilled with the opportunity given to me. I worked hard to get up to speed. However, as we all learn, more responsibilities spell more pressures.

My husband and I go to a church founded by people from our countries. Since the first time I met him, he has been a youth group leader.  I look up to him in mostly everything. Prior to going out with him, I had this one fear in my heart. I can’t be a leader!! I can’t have people look up to me!! I am not ready for this!! However, I know that this is part of his calling and I can’t disobey God by asking him to leave the position.

I was having a hard time during the first few months of our courtship because I felt he spent more time for this ministry. At the same time, I did not see it as my ministry yet I have to be one. A couple months ago, I started to change my mind and saw this as our ministry. I devoted my time and energy for this ministry. No matter how bad the church is struggling right now, I decided to work even harder for God.

As I strive to become better both professionally and in ministry, I find a lot of challenges ahead of me. At times, I felt tired. Though they are a very different type of works and environments, but the challenges are the same. When you strive to give the best, there is always something that’s trying to bring you down. As someone stubborn and perfectionist, I don’t want to fail. The more challenges ahead of me, the more changes I bring to myself in order to make them successful. It felt as if my characters are built to be even better. FYI, I am not very patient. My patience is being stretched through these challenges.

At the moment, it’s still not easy, but one thing I know for sure, the end road for me is very bright. Thus, I never look back, only forward.

” Brethren I count not myself to have apprehended:  but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13-14

To cut the story short, that incident caused me to lose one of my front teeth. I went through one year treatment to put the dead teeth back to its place. The dentist told me to seek an implant in the future if I could. This technology was not available in my place at that time.

When I got my first job, I immediately consulted an oral surgeon to proceed with the treatment. Since the incident happened a long time ago, I have lost a lot of bones in my gum. The surgeon asked me to have an orthodontic treatment to get all the tooth in proper position prior to doing the implant. At the same time, I had to do a bone grafting procedure to add bones to my gum.

This first surgery was an easy one for me. I was put to sleep so I won’t feel any pain.  In just a week or two, I was back to normal. I was happy but the surgery was not successful at all.  The new bones wouldn’t stay and grow This brought me to my second surgery with a new oral surgeon. Let me be clear here. I didn’t ditch my first surgeon because of this. I had to move out of state for some personal reason.

The second surgery was not a good experience for me. I had local anesthesia. For the whole one hour surgery, my body was tense. After the surgery, I vomited all day long. I was hungry and tired, but I couldn’t get anything into my body. The good news is the bones stay this time

This brought me to the real deal. The implant is scheduled this coming Friday. According to my oral surgeon, it should be easy and painless.  I want to go with the general anesthesia but my insurance’s coverage is not good. So here I am again, waiting for the day to come. I am scared but I know I have to do it.

Hopefully things go well with me. If the surgery is successful, I don’t have to go through another surgery.

Welcome all to my blog!

I have been longing to have a blogging site that I can host and maintain personally. Finally this site is up and running! Thanks to my husband who has helped me to make this happen.

Some of you might be puzzled as to why I pick “choonny” as my domain and site name.  Indeed, this name is weird and has no meaning at all. My full name is Juniana. My friends call me Juni. If you are thinking, yup, you guessed it right. Choonny came from Juni

I got this name out of inspiration from my best friend Sisca. She always use cheesca as her nickname. I figured I would also need a nice nickname where there won’t be any competition in the internet. So far it proves to be correct. I haven’t gotten any duplicate nickname in any site that I visited

Just a disclaimer: Anything posted here are solely my opinions, and not the opinions of my employer.