I left this unattended for so long. Finally I had a chance to put a new plugin to remove spams coming from robots!
At least now I don’t have to go through thousands and thousands of comments just to mark them all as spams 
Thanks Mike for giving out SI Captcha anti spam plugin for free!
No word can describe my feelings right now. I lost my grandma yesterday which also happened to be my birthday. I have no more grandparent left. My heart is in chaos. Though I didn’t live with her for the past 12 years, I have always loved her.
I remember back when I was still in middle school, I defended her out of my love for her. I couldn’t see her suffer. In fact, it was a simple problem. She lived with my aunt and uncle. She used to rotate her time between her four children. It is not hard to do since her first (my Mom) and last children (my Uncle) live in one place and the other two live in another place.
As with Chinese tradition, she only lived in her son’s house. So she would divide her day between her son and daughter. In the morning she would be in her son’s place and in the afternoon she would be in her daughter’s house. She would return to her son’s house in the evening. Then every month or once every two months, she would travel to the other town and did the same rotation there.
She was very happy back then. I believed those days were the happiest moment in her life. However, there were those days when I saw her coming to our house very late and seemed very exhausted. Day by day the same thing happened. One day I just couldn’t see it continue and I told my cousin (oldest daughter of my uncle) to help her out. Apparently she had to cook and washed the dishes because my aunt couldn’t find a housemaid. I thought it was a simple request though I appeared frustrated while talking to her. However, it turned out to be a big problem. My aunt hated me for that and talked badly about me to everyone. I was shocked looking at her childish behavior. The thing that I couldn’t stand was that she scolded my grandma too.
My grandma asked me not to say anything like that in the future because she wanted to keep the peace. Of course as a teenager. I didn’t give too much thought on this. For some time, I disliked my aunt. Later, I realized that she was too stressed out with all the responsibilities that she had and she couldn’t control her emotions. Perhaps I was really naive to understand that….
After some time, peace seems to come back. My grandma was happy again. Looking back, I should have realized that she liked to cook. Most likely she offered to cook. Sometimes I regretted this incident. I robbed her peace away. I could see that she understood my actions, but I made her go through terrible times.
She liked to talk a lot. She would talk and talk and talk even though I was in the middle of reading something. I found it distracting sometimes so I was happy when I found a way to make her quiet. She loved chocolates. My oldest sister always brought chocolates home from US. I would give her this chocolate daily. She would be quiet for 30min, enough time for me to read. Of course, you could say I was naughty, but hey, I was just a teenager at that time.
Time passed by, I moved to pursue high school in other places. Sometimes I got to see her when I came home. I cherished the moments that I shared with her. She always laughed at whatever I did. No matter what I did, she loved me. She didn’t scold me. She even defended me from my mom. Sometimes I made fun of her, but she still smiled.
Finally, I moved to US to pursue a college degree. I couldn’t go home because of the economy condition. She fell while she was cooking in my Uncle’s house. Because of this incident, she couldn’t walk anymore. She was confined in a wheelchair. I was really sad at that time because I knew that she liked to visit her children. Now, she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t cook anymore.
When I finally had the money to go home, I went to visit her. It made me cry looking at her. She became skinnier and she was lonely. No one talked to her on a daily basis. She asked me to visit her daily. I was only home for two weeks. I won’t be able to do anything more than that. The room that she lived in was awful. I would never imagine that she would live in a room like that ever. There was nothing that I could do for her except keeping her company.
Years went by. I went home again. This time she couldn’t see things clearly anymore. She used her hands to touch my face. It was painful to watch it. I couldn’t visit her anymore. I didn’t tell her how long I would be in town since she begged me to stay. I was only there for a week. I already started working so I didn’t have too much time off.
The next year, I brought my fiance home with me. We both visited her and gave her massages. This time, she started forgetting things. I had to tell her many times who I was and what time it was. I never thought that this would be my last visit. She was even skinnier than before. She appeared to be very healthy despite the eyes and forgetfulness.
When I got the news that she passed away, I was broken hearted. She died alone without anyone knowing. How lonely she must have been at that time. I really wanted to see her for the last time. However, my visa status prevented me from doing so…
Rest in peace, grandma. You are in a better place now. I hope you can smile now. I am sorry I couldn’t do anything for you…
I talk, you listen
You talk, I listen
We talk, no one listen
Tomorrow, I talk again
You talk again
Next day still no action
It’s purely talk
I lived apart from my parents since I entered high school. They sent me to one of the prestigious high school in a big city back in Indonesia. I came from a remote city (Dumai). Technically, Dumai is not really small. It is actually the number one oil producing city in Indonesia. However, the pace of growth is very slow. Up until today, there is no entertainment in the area. Businesses are mainly servicing basic needs (food, clothes, education, transportation, etc).
I have no confidence in sending packages to my parents. Most of the time, the packages were lost. It has been a public knowledge back in my state (Riau) that any packages coming from the US will be opened by the local service provider in the capital city of the state (Pekan Baru). If the people who work in the office like the content of the packages, they will keep the packages.
I have tested the service multiple times in the past. None had passed the test. I was very skeptical in sending another package. However, I felt such a strong urgency to celebrate the Mother’s day with my mom. Initially I was thinking of sending a card since this always got delivered though normally it took one month to get there. I was very busy one month prior to the day that I forgot to buy the card and sent it.
I had only three weeks left at that time. I was very sad. My husband told me that I could try to send flowers to her. I searched for the best flower with a reasonable price. I finally found one website based in Singapore. The customer rep emailed me asking for extra shipping cost due to the remote location. The company didn’t have a partner in the town. They had to ask the partner in Pekan Baru to deliver it to my hometown.
Riau normally has high temperature throughout the year. The distance between Dumai and Pekan Baru is 3-4 hours away. They needed to do a special care to make sure the flowers didn’t wither away along the route. I thought of canceling the whole thing and just called her up on the day. Fortunately, I didn’t do that. I expressed my skepticism with the customer rep. He assured me it would be delivered on time and I did not need to worry.
Since I was busy with work and ministry, I completely forgot about this. On the day it was delivered, I was feeling sick so I went to bed earlier. Just as I entered the sleep stage, my mom called. The flowers were delivered on time and in a very good condition.
She was very touched and full of joy. I have never done this before. I was raised not to express such feelings. Therefore, I never even thought of doing it. Ever since I got married, I realized that I needed to express my feelings. Hearing her joyful voice really warmed my heart. She has been longing to have her children expressing love to her. I am glad that I can show her how much I love and appreciate her.
In my post before, I was scared having to go through implant with local anesthesia. However, contrary to what I initially thought, this was an easy one. I didn’t feel anything at all. My surgeon gave me a pill that I had to take one hour prior to the surgery so I could feel relaxed.
Indeed, I felt relaxed and sleepy during the surgery. The surgery itself was 1.5 hours. It was longer than my previous one, but the experience was totally opposite. I took vicodin only a couple times right after the surgery. I didn’t feel like I needed them because there was no pain at all. In fact, I was able to eat like regular the next day. Of course I still had stitches in my mouth, but hey, it wasn’t that bad! At least this time I didn’t have to starve for three days 
Everything seemed to be smooth until it hit the sixth day. At 10:30pm I suddenly felt blood was flowing in my mouth. I was scared and a little bit panic. The rest of the night was filled with episodes after episodes, anxiety, and panic as the blood didn’t clog as fast as it should. Finally I was able to sleep around 4am with no more episode. My poor husband had to suffer with me that night 
We woke up around 7:30am thinking I had to call into a meeting. Things seemed to be looking good. I thought I could work like normal even though I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep. Little did I know that 15min later I would have another incident. My plan to work like normal was busted. I couldn’t talk since it might trigger another incident. My loving husband got me an emergency appointment with the surgeon office (Thanks hon!!)
I was devastated when the surgeon told me he couldn’t do anything since the hole was too small for a stitch. FYI, this is not my doctor since he was practicing in another place that day. I left the office feeling betrayed for he underestimated the anxiety that I had. Though I could understand that he couldn’t do anything, I would feel better had he believed my story rather than brushed it off like it never happened.
To cut the story short, I was fine but was afraid to talk and eat for the next couple of days. Ever since then, I had a regular follow up once every few weeks. The surgery heals really nice considering I don’t have enough bones just last year. I am excited and looking forward to doing the crown in the next couple of months.
